As long as I can remember I’ve suffered from depression. Even as a child I knew that I was wired differently from those around me. It’s cost me dearly over the years both personally and financially in one way or another. The unrest that comes with it can result in many a bad decision.
Nothing has changed since I was a boy. I have always lived in a fog, albeit one of varying densities. The density at its best is a light (yet threatening) mist, and at worst it is a real ‘pea souper’ of a fog so dense that it obscures all the but the brightest lights. It’s always there.
I’ve sought help a couple of times when I was younger and spent those periods on pretty powerful (prescription) drugs. I have ways I cope, but these last months have been hard. I’ve learned over the years that there are things that can help pick me up – but due to various circumstances right now do not have access to any of my usual coping mechanisms.
Only my very closest family and friends have known or had an inkling as to what lurks beneath the surface. Until now.
Suffice it is to say I’m the type of person who normally keeps my skeletons well and truly under lock and key – and there are plenty more where this came from believe me! To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure why I’m writing this post, and as I write I wonder if I’ll actually have the balls to hit ‘publish’. Perhaps it’s to purge something, maybe I just need to get it out instead of screaming inwardly as I usually do. Maybe there’s something inside me that feels the need to apologise to those I may have hurt over the years as a result, or some other strange reason I have yet to discover.
Could it be that I just need to see this in print myself, as all day I’ve had this nagging voice in my head telling me, very persuasively, to get it out there….?
In the meantime I’ll keep going, and keep trying to figure out how I can thin the fog out. It’ll come to me sooner or later – it always does.
No comments with messages of sympathy or suggested solutions please. I’m not writing this for either sympathy or attention. If I wanted that crap I’d post some vague ‘I’m having a bad day’ bullshit status message on Facebook. Oh, and don’t see it as a weakness either, in some ways I draw my strength from it. You’d be surprised at just what someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about much can be capable of.
Anyway that’s more than enough self-absorbed introspective bullshit from me for one day!
January 12, 2014 @ 10:15 pm
Been there too Alan, as has one of my sons. I won’t send sympathy, just understanding.
It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.... | Alan Gandy
August 13, 2014 @ 10:55 am
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